These past few months have challenged me physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and socially, and “a new normal” is not in sight yet. The stress of having a baby, buying a car, hunting for and purchasing our first home, and moving, while also working full-time and breastfeeding exclusively, have forced me to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day as it comes. This is frustrating to me as I am a planner by nature and detest uncertainty, so I usually make decisions far in advance so I know what to expect. These days, by contrast, I often wake up in a panic because I have no plan for dinner and won’t have time to go shopping after work.
I am not complaining. I know that my worries are miniscule compared to the real problems that others face, often with much more grace and courage than I am currently displaying. Many times a day my children’s laughter reminds me that none of this is actually important – we have our health and we have each other, and that’s all that really matters. Still, when my mortgage lender is hounding me to sign dozens of pages of documents and return them by the end of the day, and my boss asks me to stay late for a 5:30pm meeting, and we have company coming but the house is a mess, and my breasts are aching because I haven’t had a chance to pump all afternoon . . . let’s just say, I am not my best self.
This narrow focus on getting through each day as it comes has been going on for about four months now, and is likely to continue for several more months as we prepare for and execute our transformation from ultra-urbanites to utter suburbanites. My husband and I are a strong team, and I am working up the audacity to call upon some treasured DC-area friends for help, so I know my family will make it through this period more grounded and forward-looking than before. In the meantime, however, I am very concerned that I am doing damage and developing bad habits while my head is down concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. To assure myself and those I care about that this version of myself is merely temporary, I wish to offer some heartfelt apologies to some of those who have suffered while I have been preoccupied.
I am sorry:
- That I do not have as much time or energy to play.
- If I forgot your birthday.
- That I have been so tired.
- If I did not send a thank you card (or even an email or text) after you demonstrated your kindness and generosity.
- That I have been distracted at work, and have made several major mistakes as a result.
- If I do not call you enough, even though I am thinking about you all the time.
- That I missed your son’s first birthday party.
- If I did not return your smile as we passed on the street.
- That your Mother’s and Father’s Day cards and gifts do not begin to reflect how much I love and appreciate you.
- If I get emotional over little things.
- That I am being even more frugal than usual now that my life savings have been replaced with a property that needs extensive repair and maintenance.
- If you had a baby, fell ill, or otherwise needed a friend and I was not there for you.
- That I have not been able to keep up with this blog as much as I’d like.
In sum, I apologize for my self-centeredness, and I promise to make sure this is just a temporary condition. I am extremely grateful to all who have supported me through these major life changes and I hope to have the chance to return the favor when the dust settles in my little world . . .